The Emperor's New Jump Rope Kit

(Click on the image for further detail)

The Emperor's New Jump Rope Kit contains everything you need to become a jumping success. 

We all know by now that jumping rope is one of the most efficient methods of burning calories. Recent Japanese studies have shown that rats who jump rope 40 times a day, 5 days a week, significantly increase their bone density. Well, if rats can jump rope – golly – surely I can too. How hard can it possibly be?

                                Pretty hard, as it turns out. I'm a rhythmic deviant.

"I'm a perfectly good jumper.  It's the rope that's been in my way."


The Emperor's New Jump Rope is available for purchase at Powell's on Hawthorne.  If you don't live in Portland, I'll pack one up and send it to you.  PayPal is my friend!

1 Kit = 10 bucks + $2.50 S&H


Q: What comes in the kit?

A: A jump rope and a short, prize-winning, inspirational essay.

Q: The jump rope looks broken. Can I get my money back?

A: The jump rope is not broken. It's a metaphor.

Q: I'm excellent at jumping rope. Why should I buy one?

A: Geez, lighten up. The Emperor's New Jump Rope Kit makes a great gift.

Q: Who's buying The Emperor's New Jump Rope Kit?

A: Educated women over 35 and Unitarians.

Q: And is it selling well?

A: It's catching on like a bad cold.

                    The Emperor's New Jump Rope is intended for an adult audience, but not in a icky, inappropriate sort of way.

Q: Are there other products like The Emperor's New Jump Rope?

A: There is one patented rope-less jump rope on the market (The JumpSnap; $39.95), but it lacks humor, and has no literary merit. Also, it requires batteries and it can break if you drop it.

                       Each handle has been laser engraved by a local, artisanal, laser engraver with the phrase "I love to jump."

Q: Who are you?

A: I'm a published writer with a website. I'm also a seasoned performer. I'd like to take The Emperor's New Jump Rope on stage as a motivational speaker at conferences, meetings, retreats, libraries, bookstores, wine bars, literary events and weight watcher meetings.

Nikki Schulak jumps without a rope in Portland, OR