Nikki Schulak
2615 SE 37th Avenue · Portland OR 97202
(971) 227-6264 · nschulak@yahoo.com

Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world.” – Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

Nikki Schulak, M.S. specializes in creating and solving comic problems.  She has a knack for bending truth to meet her needs. She'll tackle anything you need put into words.*  Nikki adheres to high quality design standards and is dedicated to bringing new and creative ideas to the market place. With more than 10 years of psychotherapy under her belt and menopause right around the corner, she's highly opinionated, compulsively articulate, and sometimes irrational.   She couldn't crack an encryption algorithm to save her life, but holy shit, as a professionally trained educator, Nikki can write lesson plans like she can have orgasms -- one after another without pausing for a breath.

*no term papers, and she doesn't do whimsical

Her other professional skills include:

  • competitive parallel parking;

  • drawing good conclusions;
  • animal handling;
  • storytelling;

Her weaknesses are:

  • blue cheese with fig dressing;
  • baby goats, custom made clogs;
  • Office Depot;
  • the semi-colon;

(A little too much) Personal information about Nikki:

  • Married 23 years this coming August.
  • Kids ages 15 and 17; they've never had lice.
  • She is an unreliable narrator and a selfish lover, but a very dear friend.
  • Marketing a comic cologne called “You Smell Funny”.
  • Given a choice, she'd rather watch Mad Men.
  • She has no fear of insects.
  • Believes dirty laundry is a form of dissent.
  • Likes hiding better than seeking.
  • Has tried all 12 forms of hair removal.
  • Stands for ethical treatment of animals and dearly loves a juicy hamburger.
  • Despite having several inoperable brain aneurysms, she's pretty chipper most of the time.
  • Can gleefully make bullet points all day long.

Extra-curricular activities:

  • dressing up like a gorilla and riding the #4 from Downtown to Gresham
  • Indian food
  • taking a shower
  • tracking down the devil in SE Portland

Medications: Ambien (since 2008); Prozac (since 2011)

Tattoos: Chemical formula for Fluoxetine on left wrist, "Born to Bump" (bumper car) on right bicep, Ampersand on inner right wrist


PUBLISHED WRITING and AWARDS

"Dentistry's Problem Children": Creative Nonfiction Issue #63 (Spring 2017)

"Finding Joy" Winning entry in the Attic Institute's Winter Writing Contest, Portland, OR (March 2016)

"Vulvar Fantasy": She Holds the Face of the World: Ten Years of VoiceCatcher (December 2015)

"About a Ring": Full Grown People (The Other Awkward Age) (November 2015) 

"On Not Seeing Whales": Best American Essays 2013, Notable Selection

"How We Got Here": Top-25 list in Glimmer Train's Family Matters contest (October 2012)

"The Emperor's New Jump Rope": honorable mention for prose in the 2012 Sports Poetry & Prose Contest at Winning Writers (November 15, 2012)

"On Not Seeing Whales": Bellevue Literary Review (Fall 2012); Best American Essays 2013, Notable Selection

“The Farther Away you Are, The Smaller You'll Appear”: Switched-on Gutenberg: Issue 18: Corpus, the Body and Its Boundaries (www.switched-ongutenberg.org/) (Fall 2012)

“Tending Rats”: The Yellow Ham (Summer 2012)

“Presidential Candidates”: Letter to the Editor The Oregonian; April 5, 2012

“Psychic Preschool of Portland”; 2012 (www.psychicpreschool.org)

“Art Installation Complete at School”: SoutheastExaminer;November 2011

“Passing Eggs”: Errant Parent; February 2011 

“Vulvar Fantasy”: VoiceCatcher5; 2010

“Bubkes for Christmas”: hipMama Zine Issue #49;2010

“A Year in the School Gardens”; 2010 (www.ayearintheschoolgarden.org)

“My Mid-life Thong Crisis”: VoiceCatcher3;2008

“40 poems for 40 lbs”; 2008 (www.fatmuse.com)

Ramona Quimby at a Brewpub”; 2008 (www.wordstockfestival)

"In the Restroom at the Church (Just Before Facing the Scale at the Weight Watchers Meeting)”: ByLine, 2007

____


Researched and wrote descriptions of the silent and live auction items, the raffle prizes and the party sign-ups for a benefit auction that raised over $20,000; April 2013

Assistant Editor for VoiceCatcher 6; 2011,VoiceCatcher Summer 2016, VoiceCatcher Spring 2017

Contributor to Principal's newsletter; Atkinson Elementary: 2010-2011


PERFORMANCE and READINGS

Featured on Creative Nonfiction Podcast Episode 55—Do Funny Things Always Happen to Nikki Schulak?

"On Not Seeing Whales" in Writer's Night at the Springwater Grange, Estacada, OR; April 15, 2017 

"Naked on a Bike" in Fierce on the Page Reading Series at Another Read Through, Portland, OR; September 28, 2016

Featured in Neurotic Tornado podcast Season #3; March - July, 2016

"Animal Desires" in Dance Naked Productions "Revelations: Sex-fueled Art" at Headwaters Theater, Portland, OR; March 10-13, 2016

"About a Ring" with PLONK reading series at Corkscrew Wine Bar, Portland, OR; September 2, 2015 

VoiceCatcher on KBOO radio show Bread and Roses with Leigh Anne Krantz, Portland, OR; November 6, 2015 

"Finding Joy" with with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; March 13, 2015

Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase on KBOO Radio Show Bread and Roses with Leigh Anne Krantz, Portland, OR; March 6, 2015

"Traveling with Drugs" with with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; January 16, 2015

"Pound by Pound" with with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; November 12, 2014

"Passing Eggs" with Unchaste Readers on KBOO Radio Show Bread and Roses, Portland, OR; October 17, 2014

"40 Poems for 40 Pounds" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; October 16, 2014

"Pound by Pound" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; May 21, 2014

"Dentistry's Problem Children" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; May 20, 2014

"My Mid-life Thong Crisis" in the "Honey I Shrunk my Libido" show at MamaCon 2014; Bellevue, WA

"Dentistry's Problem Children" with Listen To Your Mother: Portland, OR; Alberta Rose Theater, May 11, 2014

"Pound by Pound" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; January 22, 2014

"Awake" in CHOP SHTICKS (a benefit show for Congregation Shir Tikvah), Portland, OR; December 14, 2013

"The Emperor's New Jump Rope" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; September 24, 2013

"Awake" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; May 28, 2013

"My Mid-life Thong Crisis" in the "Honey I Shrunk my Libido" show at MamaCon 2013; Bellevue, WA

"My Mid-life Thong Crisis" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; May 1, 2013

"Vulvular Motion" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; April 30, 2013

"A Dirty Little Secret" with Split Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; March 25, 2013

"The Emperor's New Jump Rope" with Split Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; Nov 27, 2012

"Peaceful Fertile Moments" with Spilt Milk Comedy Showcase at O'Connors, Multnomah Village; Oct 30, 2012

My Mid-life Thong Crisis” with Time Out! Comedy, Curious Comedy Theater, Portland, Oregon; May 2012

Passing Eggs” with Time Out! Comedy, Curious Comedy Theater, Portland, Oregon; April 2012

Dentistry's Problem Children” with Time Out! Comedy, O'Connors Multnomah Village; March 2012

Awake” with Time Out! Comedy, Curious Comedy Theater, Portland, Oregon; March 2012

Peaceful Fertile Moments” with Time Out! Comedy, Curious Comedy Theater, Portland, Oregon; Feb 2011

Vulvar Fantasy”: Powell's Hawthorne location, Broadway Books, St John's Booksellers; Portland, OR; 2010

My Mid-life Thong Crisis”: Wordstock Festival, Portland, OR; 2008


PRODUCED

"What's Love Got to do with It?"  a Valentine's Day event at The Foundation, SE Portland; February 14, 2014

"The Original Lingerie Shop Comedy Show" at The Foundation, SE Portland; June 20, 2013


IN ANOTHER LIFE 

Steam On Academy   7/2016 – present After-school teacher for children ages 5-10 years old: prepare and present integrated lessons that focus on invention, group work, and imagination, and draw from the arts and sciences, including theater, crafts, storytelling and writing

Tech 4 Kids Club Summer Camp  7/2016  Improv/comedy teacher for children ages 7-13 years old: lead ensemble-building exercises and encourage students to shed inhibitions, take risks, engage their powers of imagination, hone their story-telling prowess, play with language and movement, learn about building characters, cultivate their comic timing, practice interaction and reaction, develop an understanding of narrative structure, laugh and have fun!

Altair School  9/2015 – 6/2016 (part-time) Humanities and Science Specialist: prepare and present guided discussions and inquiry-based projects with Talented and Gifted children ranging from 6-11 years old in the following subjects: literature, writing, language arts, life science, comedy and improv, theater arts, ancient civilizations

SmartRevenue • 11/2013 – present (part-time) Ethnographer, Independent Contractor:  Conduct in-aisle and exit interviews with shoppers (using iPAQ and tablet technology) in various consumer environments; collect data, make observations, participate in making analytical insights, write components of final reports and conclusions; prepare deliverables such as store maps, shelf maps, captioned photos, and flow-counts; transcription of interviews       

Atkinson Elementary, Portland, OR • 9/2004 – 6/2013  Parent Volunteer: Wrote and implemented garden and science programs for grades K-5 • assisted in the development and maintenance of the outdoor learning gardens • helped coordinate and plan garden/outdoor learning in K-5 classes • planned trips • assisted teachers in general classroom needs

University of Michigan Exhibit Museum of Natural History, Ann Arbor, MI • 4/97- 6/99

Coordinator of Visitor Programs: Designed, supervised and evaluated education programs and services for schools and the general public • Hired, trained and supervised education staff • Assisted with exhibit design, budget preparation, grant writing and publicity

Wave Hill, Bronx, NY • 9/94-12/96 School Programs Manager and Director, Environmental Studies Summer Camp: Planned, led and evaluated environmental science programs for K-8 students, teachers, administrators and the general public • Interviewed, hired, trained and supervised staff for School Programs and Environmental Studies Summer Camp • Coordinated daily assignments and scheduling for School Programs staff

Lefferts Homestead Childrenʼs Historic House Museum, Brooklyn, NY • 9/93-6/94 Museum Educator:

Presented exhibit-based, hands-on programs for families

Bank Street Childrenʼs School, New York, NY • 11/93-1/94 Student Teacher: Taught core curriculum in a 5th/6th grade classroom

Public School 279, Bronx, NY • 9/92-6/93 Head Teacher: Taught second grade

New York Zoological Society, Bronx Zoo, Bronx, NY Education Department Intern • 3/88-6/88, 3/90-5/90

Elementary and Early Childhood Instructor • 5/90-8/92: Taught classes in habitat ecology, zoology and wildlife conservation • Designed and implemented professional development workshops for teachers • Nationally disseminated a hands-on science education curriculum for early elementary grades

EDUCATION AND AWARDS


Bank Street College of Education, M.S. in Museum Education, 1995
Sarah Lawrence College, B.A. in Liberal Arts, 1990
Michigan Interscholastic Forensic Association League; placed 6th in humorous interpretive reading; 1984



References available for a small fee.